YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF..  

. . your pillow case doubles as your bowling bag.
. . your belt buckle doubles as an I.D.
. . you use channel locks for a nose hair trimmer.
. . you have ever tried to use food stamps to mail a watermelon.
. . you go to your family reunions looking for a date.
. . you repaint your pink flamingo every spring
. . there are hubcap wind chimes anywhere in your front yard.
. . your masseuse uses lard.
. . you've ever been blacklisted by a bowling alley.
. . a common prase in your house is "someone jiggle the handle."
. . you played the banjo in your high school band.
. . you open beer bottles with your belt buckle.
. . you own more than three shirts with the sleeves cut off.
. . you refer to your beer gut as "the old tool shed".
. . your boots cost more than your wedding ring.
. . you inherited a Styrofoam cooler.
. . you've ever accepted an invitation written on a bathroom wall.
. . you own a trophy that includes the words "cow chip"
. . you wore camoflauge to your wedding.
. . you use left-over house paint to paint your car.
. . the auto junkyard calls you to get spare parts.
. . you always start a story with "Y'all aint gonna believe this!"
. . you drink wine with a screw cap.
. . you use baling wire to keep your car door closed.
. . you've ever participated in a burp-off.
. . there's graffiti on the bathroom wall in your own house.
. . your pickup truck used to be a car.
. . your favorite fishing lure is TNT.
. . you've ever been hunting on a tractor.
. . you have more than 4 vehicles up on blocks in your yard.
. . you think the roman empire has somthing to do with a cell phone.
. . you hang pickled eggs and pop-tops from your Christmas tree.
. . your baby's crib mobile is made out of beer cans.
. . you've ever towed another car using panty hose and duct tape.
. . you call your wife "ma" and want her to call you "pa."
. . your watchband is wider than any book you've ever read.
. . you use mason jars to make lamps.
. . you have an Elvis Jell-O mold.
. . you've ever water-skied in your underwear.
. . the hood of your truck is higher than the roof of your house.
. . you feed your pet the cockroache.
. . your two best friends are named Skeeter and Possum.
. . truck drivers tell your wife to watch her language.
. . your wife's hairdo was ever ruined by a ceiling fan.
. . you've ever worn a tie with a flannel shirt.
. . any of your honeymoon plans involve a deer camp.
. . a full tank of gas doubles the value of your truck.
. . you vacuum the sheets instead of washing them.
. . there are more than 5 animals sleeping in your bed.
. . your family tree doesn't branch.
. . taking your wife on a cruise means circling the Dairy Queen.
. . your tires are worth more than your truck.
. . you've ever sold your car for gas money.
. . your mailbox holds up one end of your clothesline.
. . you've got more than one brother named "Darryl".
. . on Thanksgiving Day you have to decide which pet to eat.
. . you've siphoned gas from your lawn mower to put into your truck.
. . your favorite entree is Spam barbecued on the grill.
. . you have to go outside to get something out of the fridge.
. . you hide the Easter eggs under cow patties.
. . your spare tire is a cement block.
. . you took your coon dogs on your honeymoon.
. . your first name consists of initials.
. . your best sofa came out of a Chevrolet.
. . you get Odor-Eaters as a Christmas present.
. . your outhouse is your favorite make-out place.
. . none of these jokes are making sense to you.
. . you've ever attended a dance at the bus station.
. . you stockpile pork and beans.
. . you have to use a ladder to get in your truck.
. . you were expelled from summer school.
. . you've caught bugs to them in the bug zapper.
. . you have used a potato peeler to remove a corn.
. . you've ever fished from over a fence.
. . you keep catfish in your aquarium.
. . your wife has a set of earrings that you use as a fishing lure.
. . your engine is duct-taped to your car.
. . you use the word "man" at least four times in each sentence.
. . your spring wardrobe mostly involves using scissors.
. . your sewage system consists of a pipe down a hillside.
. . you follow the tractor pull circuit.
. . you've ever named a child after a good dog.
. . you can spit tobbaco juice the holes in your truck's floorboard.
. . you threw out your wife after she threw out your Elvis 45's.
. . your chili's secret ingredient comes from a bait shop.
. . you have ever made a frog-gigging spear.
. . your toilet is a 5 gallon bucket.
. . stealing road signs is a family outing.
. . your idea of high-quality entertainment is watchin' the bug-zapper.
. . you nick-name children "possum" and "critter."
. . used an expired license plate as a living room decoration.
. . your favorite cologne is Deep Woods Off.
. . you've ever given livestock as a wedding present.
. . your house feels lonely when winter comes and the last fly dies.
. . your sister has ever asked to borrow the backhoe.
. . you videotape fishing shows.
. . you use dental floss to restring your banjo.
. . your toothbrush is a hand-me-down.
. . you time your belches to achieve a personal best.
. . your dog brought home something that you cooked for dinner.
. . you can recite your vowels in one burp.
. . you use Armor-All on your leather jacket.
. . you think a manicure is some kind of French doctor.
. . your favorite restaurant has a gas pump in front of it.
. . you think paprika is a Third World country.
. . you bathe your cat in the toilet.
. . you ask the preacher, "How's it hanging?"
. . you think a stock tip is advice on wormin' your hogs.
. . you think a hot tub is a stolen bathroom fixture.
. . your wife's only shoes are house slippers.
. . you've got more than three cousins named "Bubba".
. . your coon hound gets a birthday present and your wife doesn't.
. . the UFO hotline limits you to one call per day